There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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