I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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