You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize