did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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