The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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