I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
