Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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