someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
