Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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