she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
