Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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