Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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