I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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