If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
