I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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