I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
