And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
