If i come over, it means nothing
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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