I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
