I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
