remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We are all done wearing pants today
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
