ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
