So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
