Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
