i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
