Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
