We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
