I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
