the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
