Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
