I cannot find my penis.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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