i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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