Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm like, not good at living.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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