Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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