The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
