just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
