She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
