I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
worst night to have a conscience
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
