where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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