The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
