I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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