so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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