yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize