so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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