just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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