I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
