is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
