2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
