im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize