Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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