you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
