I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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