Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
how drunk are you?
Several
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
