i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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