On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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