Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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