can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
