my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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