You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
