I think my fart just growled at me.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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