so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize