thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
